Before I go any further, I am going to ask you do do something I have no right to ask. I am going to ask you to sit through 3 minutes and 39 seconds of HELL.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=57Sb14dyaUc
OK, if you're still reading this you've survived the experience. Now I would like to explain why it's symbolic of all that is wrong with modern society.
We live in a world now where all are encouraged to follow their dreams. Children are taught there are no losers, and that if they try hard enough they can accomplish anything.
But what's wrong with that, you may ask? Nothing, until you take into account another factor: Television.
We are surrounded by television. People's lives revolve around it. And the one major lesson it teaches us is: We all should be rich and famous.
People are famous for NOTHING now days; if you know who Snooki is, you prove my point.
People want to be famous, and they will do ANYTHING, no matter how degrading or humiliating, to accomplish that.
Now, factor that in with a child who has grown up all their life being told they can do ANYTHING; a child no one ever says NO to, a child that got a trophy, not for WINNING a competition at school, but for merely PARTICIPATING.
Eventually that leads to something like this video.
Lisa Gail Allred, the performer in this video, is obviously NOT a singer. Just a few seconds of her voice makes one BEG for her to borrow Rebecca Black's Auto Tune.
Nor is she a song writer, based on the mindless drivel that passes for lyrics in her "song."
But, somewhere along the line of this woman's life, she decided she WAS a singer and song writer.
And no one...told...her...otherwise.
I am sure at some point before this video was made, that Lisa Gail performed for SOMEONE...perhaps a family member, perhaps a friend, or a group of friends.
I am sure afterwards, she asked them what they thought.
And no one...told her...she SUCKED.
Did Lisa Gail have a music teacher back in school? Did she ever sing in his / her class? Did she ever confide in that music teacher her burning desire to become a famous singer? I am sure she must have, right?
And her teacher...never...discouraged her.
At some point, we HAVE to start being HONEST with people again. Not all of us are born to be rock stars or actors. Not all of us have the actual TALENT to back up our daydreams and fantasies of becoming famous.
And someone really, really needed to tell Lisa Gail Allred this.
And yet they failed.
Now, if you go and read the comments posted at You Tube under this video, you will see that they are, overwhelmingly, NEGATIVE.
As they very well should be.
Now imagine you are poor Lisa Gail, who has obviously gone way past her youth and crossed the bridge into middle age hearing from everyone around her how WONDERFUL she was, and how she must have been encouraged to follow her dream no matter what. And now she has to read all these negative, and sometimes downright derogatory comments about not only her song, but personal attacks on herself as well.
Oh, it's SO easy to be brutally honest via the anonymity of the internet.
But maybe, just MAYBE, if someone in her life, ANYONE, had been honest enough to sit her down and say "Look, I admire your dream, but let's be honest here: You have NO DISCERNIBLE TALENT!...None. Not a smidge. Not one iota. Nada. Maybe you should concentrate on a DIFFERENT path in life. After all, there is no shame in being an accountant, or telemarketer, or a waitress at the local diner that specializes in Chicken Fried Chicken. But being a singer requires the actual ability to sing, and being a song writer requires the ability to actually write, and you, I am so sorry to say, have neither. It doesn't mean the end of your life. Just the end of an un-achievable dream. Life goes on."
But no one did. And no one told Rebecca Black either. Or William Hung.
They had to find out the hard way: through public humiliation and ridicule.
I'm sure that can't be easy on them; to read the downright nasty things people have posted on the internet about them.
Will all the insults on her You Tube video keep Lisa Gail from performing and writing still more crappy music? Will it keep her from producing yet another atrocity like "3 Second Rule" for our listening discomfort?
Probably not, because by now she's been brainwashed into believing her dream SO much, that NOTHING can discourage her. And I'm sure her circle of friends and family are still there whispering in her ear "Don't listen to THEM. They're just a bunch of jealous ignorant petty jerks who like to bully people on the internet. Their opinions don't matter, keep chasing your dream, I just KNOW you're gonna make it BIG one day!"
And that is a LIE.
Lisa Gail Allred will NEVER "make it big" in show business unless perhaps she switches to the Adult Film industry...and even then only if she finds one that specializes in making Redneck Cougar Porn.
Moving on from the singer and her obvious lack of talent, let us now examine the content of the lyrics and the video itself.
As the video clip starts, we are introduced to Lisa Gail herself as she prepares to impart her genius words of wisdom to a room full of stereotypical Cowboys. Her gaze falls eerily across each Cowpoke as they enter her classroom, tipping their hats in a "gentlemanly" gesture.
Then she begins to "sing:"
"In order to be a man you gotta tow the line..."
Stop right there. I am a man. And while it can be confusing sometimes I'm pretty sure I know what it takes in order to be a man, and it never once involved "towing a line" of any sort...and just who are YOU, as an obviously redneck WOMAN, to tell ME what it takes to be a man???
Ok, sorry, I will let her continue...
"...I know that sometimes there's some girls you wanna see,
well that's where my 3 second rule comes into play..."
I'll spare you the rest of the lyrics, but she basically goes on and on with this idea that, if you're gonna be a REAL man, HER man, you can look at other women but ONLY for three seconds.
Now ladies, I am going to fill you in on something here; it's Brutally Honest Time from an actual Man:
Three seconds is WAY too much time. We men can visualize an entire host of sordid sexual fantasies in far, far less time. in fact, by the third second we've already cum, twice, had our after sex smoke and moved on to our next fantasy chick.
So your "3 Second Rule" is pretty much pointless.
Now Lisa Gail continues to sing about how her "rule" is "designed to keep my man in line..."
Apparently Lisa Gail is one of those poor saps who falls into that particular group of people who somehow believe that human beings were "intelligently designed" to be MONOGAMOUS.
Again, Brutal Honesty time: Nothing could be further from the truth.
Human beings, but especially the human male, are frankly only a few steps up on the evolutionary scale from any common animal. And as such, our most instinctual desire is to copulate with as many of the opposite sex as we can possibly get our genitalia near.
Ladies, take pity on us, the poor Average Adult Heterosexual Male. We are only the product of our evolution , and yet raised in a society that follows a two thousand year old book of Myths that tells us we were created by God to only procreate with ONE single mate our entire lives!
Imagine the folly of the Average Man in attempting to stick to these ancient rules...but ladies, we do TRY our best, and many, MANY men lead very HAPPY monogamous lives with a woman they love and desire and would gladly live and die for.
So please, please PLEASE forgive us if we look at another woman's tits.
This doesn't mean we're automatically going to cheat on you. Hell this doesn't even mean we THOUGHT about cheating on you. It just means the other woman had nice tits, and we wanted to look at them.
It's really not more complicated then that.
So, despite what Lisa Gail here blathers on and on about, please don't MAKE it more complicated.
And even if we did, in the space of those few precious seconds, postulate a fantasy in our heads that involved fellatio, cunnilingus, or out and out copulation...that doesn't mean we'd ever actually go THROUGH with it...unless, ya know, you gave us permission and maybe were up for a threesome...I wouldn't even kiss her on the lips or anything if that was too intimate, ya know...? No...? Ok, it was just a thought baby...no seriously I was kidding, I would never want a threesome, I only want sex with YOU baby, forever and ever and ever...
ahem...where was I?
One last thing ladies: If you are going to wear any particular item of clothing that shows off your breasts, your ass, your legs, your stomach, or that wonderful bit of physical anatomy we now know under the pop culture term "Camel Toe" (see minute 1:26 of this video), just be aware...MEN ARE GOING TO LOOK.
So stop it already with the "My eyes are up here" bullshit. We know where your eyes are. Apparently they aren't your BEST feature.
And really ladies, think about it: Do you REALLY want us men to be your pussy whipped, line dancing, big Gay Cowboy Hat wearin', 3 Second Rule following LOSERS???
If you do, all I can say is: Enjoy the single life, and I hope you find a vibrator that suits your special needs just right.
